Wow...its been super long since i last updated. A lot has happened, the good and bad.
I am done with the first year of my school....having my 2 week course now and i will have my official holiday for one and a half month before my attachment starts at Chongzheng Primary School (scaryyyy!!) for about 5 weeks, then continuation of another month of holiday before my second year of school starts in September... Yikes! pretty fast huh?
My days have been pretty hectic with the all the tuition. Thank gawd its all over for now....kinda got tired of it after a while although i got money out of it. imagine i only got 2 days rest out of the whole week. and it was not from enjoying myself....sigh. now im thinking if i should continue it in June and after...this is what happens when you are so nice that you want to help people but then you forget your own health and happiness...then you feel that your efforts are not appreciated especially when the students play around or space off or sulk when you're teaching.. what in the world was i thinking getting into this? hmmmmm...... i wish i could easily stop but then it would be so irresponsible to go back on your commitment to help someone....damn it.
i still cant believe i would get guys ogling at me....doesn't seem real..and as usual they would be older than me. Do i really look old? kinda suck in a way. coz then i get compared to my mom who is actually twice my age! so annoying when i go out with my mom and people ask if we're sisters....bloody blind people. for one, i dont think we look alike, secondly i dont look that old and thirdly mind your own business people. urggghhhh.... anyway, i still have one proposal hanging over my head. not really a proposal but...the guy is interested and just waiting for my ok. wats wrong with giving it a try eh? hmmmm......oh well. a weird thing happen a few days back. my dad out of the blue mentioned that i should get married by 25. where the hell did that come from i have no idea but no way will i get hitched by then i think. a few years after that maybe ( if i find someone) but definitely not at 25. noway hozay. and i told my dad dont ever mention it again. enough of it coming from my darling grandmother alone. sheesh....
anyway....darling momy has been complaining that i have been going out a lot..whattt?? im hardly at home coz either im at tuition or in school. and the rare occasion (twice a month?!!) that i go out with friends...and she says i ALWAYS go out with friends...then what about my brother who goes out practically every week. he rarely goes out? sigh....the reason why sometimes being a guy is better.
My uncle mentioned to me the other day that once your friends get married, it would never be the same again. i hope whatever he said won't be true. but seeing those around me, i'm having doubts myself.. when i look at my friends now, when they have their guy, its definitely different. i dont have a guy myself so its hard to judge. but imagine how it would be when they get married and have kids....dont even think they would have much time to have the usual meet ups like we do now. sad isn't it? i'll just have to treasure the time we have now then and hope the friendship stays. if not...oh well, life is unpredictable after all.
what actually sparked the mood for me to blog today was actually something that wasn't that good. Well, here goes.....i bought a harem pants (very ali baba-ish) coz i've been wanting to try it and also i decided to try using shawl. i tried the shawl the other day and i thought i looked quite ok.so my self confidence was pretty high in trying new things. Then, today i wore the pants and the shawl...very boho. then my dear brother went to my mom and told her to see how retarded i looked. and there goes my self confidence all smashed into pieces... here's the thing...my self confidence has been ever so low since young coz my very own family has been degrading me since like forever.so it doesnt take much for people's comment to pull me down to the bottom of the pit. however much i say that im used to it and try to let it in the right and out the left ear, it will somehow eat me up inside.then i will feel useless and shitty.anyway, after my dearest brother said that i kinda snapped. i was pissed coz i was feeling 'up there' and he spoiled it by being so tactless with his words. i ignored him when he asked me to show them what i wore and he said i was sombong. then i literally shouted back that he just called me retarded. geeez...how do you think i felt. he went quiet after that.but oh boi...the damage was done. so i changed my shawl and wore my usual scarf.and out of the house i went. by then i was tearing up badly. sigh.....he apologised to me after that (tru sms) saying that he was referring to the pants and not the scarf. but still, the bottom line was he said i looked retarded. and throughout the whole day that i was out in that stoopid pants, i was feeling self conscious. it might just be the last time that pants see the light of the day.... im not mad at him anymore. more of disappointed i guess...
it will take me long to get my self confidence back up and soooooo easy to be brought back down to nothing....i think my family's words means more to me which is why it always affects me as compared to when my friends says it.im always ok when my friends give their opinion but not with the family...dunno why... now i still feel like shit and nothing is going to get it back up so soon.... double sigh...
my life is such...
